Saturday, February 12, 2005

February 12, 2005

Hey everyone! I'm back and colder than ever!

Yes, I'm now a San Francisco ex-patriot in the land of the Patriots (and Red Sox, for that matter), suburban Boston, Mass. Without further ado, here's what's on my mind (aside from wondering when this dirty snow will disappear from the side of the road)...

* I wonder how much pressure Doc Rivers, Danny Ainge and company must be feeling. I mean, the Red Sox win their first title in 86 years, the Patriots win their third Super Bowl in four years, so what do the Celtics do to top that? At least the Bruins had the presence of mind to participate in the NHL lockout, so they could duck the bullet-sweating. Check this space in June...

* Did you know that if you rearrange the letters of Jose Canseco, you get "Tattle-taling, money grubbing, desperation-punch-throwing, rat fink"? Actually, the best I could come up with was "Ace's Cojones". Meanwhile, the sad thing is that BALCO has given the former A's-Rangers-Devil Rays slugger just a smidge of legitimacy. Truth is, while everyone is vehemently denying Jose's allegations, the truth lies somewhere in between.

* Hey, can you smear me some of "the Cream"? I want my writing to hit harder!

* Here's the big question as Oscar time approaches: Can Martin Scorcese pull off the rare tri-fecta: Losing Best Director honors to three actor-turned-directors? In 1980, his amazing work on "Raging Bull" lost out to Robert Redford and "Ordinary People", and a decade later his classic "Goodfellas" was bested by Kevin Costner's "Dances with Wolves". This year, Marty may lose out to Clint Eastwood for "Million Dollar Baby". If so, at least his gracious losing moves up to the high-rent district for directors.

* With the world's loss of brilliant playwright Arthur Miller, we have lost our final love-link to Marilyn Monroe. Goodbye Norma Jean...I should've liked to have known you, but I was just a future embryo...

* In honor of my wife's addiction to Home and Garden Television (us hipsters call it HGTV), I have invented a very simple drinking game. Every time a potential homebuyer on "House Hunters" looks at a room in a potential domicile and says the word "nice"--down the hatch! And if anyone at HGTV is reading this, one suggestion: Just for once, can the homebuyers place an offer and NOT get the house? That's the kind of entertainment I wanna see!

* Here's a preview of "Surreal Life 2017", featuring the forgotten b-stars of the future. Let's welcome Jessica Simpson (the dumb fake blond thing loses it's luster beyond age 30), Tara Reid (the fake boobs are following her career southward), Justin Guarini ("why couldn't I have been a dork like that Aiken guy?"), Tom Green (testicular comedy buffoon), Rosie O'Donnell (pudgy gay narcissism goes out of style by 2010), Courtney Love (for the mandatory shriveled skank factor--and for a ratings bonus, she might be a corpse by then) and would-be heir to the pop throne, Prince Jackson. Crazy antics will ensue!

* Just for the heck of it, Dutch-named athlete edition: Jan & Butch Van Breda Kolff, Steve Mikke-Mayer

* Just for the heck of it, real Dutch athlete edition: Rikkert Faneyte

* Just for the taste of it...DIET COKE!

* And finally, my new board game idea: Celebrity boggle. Yes, stick Bennifer, Jen&Brad, Paris, Britney and Julia, Danny and the twins in a lifesize, hermetically sealed Boggle popper, press down and let the games begin. Fun for the whole family!!!

Thursday, January 22, 2004

* The secret to Sen. John Kerry’s success in Iowa and New Hampshire: The woman factor. Subliminally, what woman wouldn’t want to vote for a name like Kerry over Dean, Edward(s) and Clark?

* Bad advice: Let’s see if Mark Geragos convinces his other client, Scott Peterson, to step from his Police SUV at the Redwood City courthouse, wave to his adoring fans, and show up 20 minutes late for court.

* Since “Hit King” Pete Rose has stolen a lot of thunder from baseball recently, I thought I would discuss Rose in Pete’s own language:

Odds Pete will make the Hall of Fame by 2007: 18-1
Odds Pete will crash this year’s HOF induction ceremony, upstaging Eck and Molitor again: 75-1
Over/under on the number of national interviews Pete will make by Opening Day: 146
Odds Pete will be spotted with a bookie in that time: 1-2

* R.I.P, Angel edition: Lyman Bostock

* Since they happen at about the same time, let’s combine two of Hollywood’s favorite January love-fests and create the Golden Sun Globe Dance. The stars get honored—and sloshed—in the Park City chill, and make acceptance speeches promoting their hot new indie film. Robert Redford can win a lifetime achievement award every year, and everyone’s happy!

* Gotta admit, I’m hooked on Boss Trump’s “The Apprentice”, but these flaunt your sex appeal to win contests—sell lemonade on the street, turn an airplane into a phallic symbol, and shake-a-tail-feather to get $10 off a bar of gold bullion—are getting a bit old. Next week, I envision each team running a prostitution ring to see who can score the most Johns by 5pm.

* R.I.P, Fantasy edition: Herve Villechaize

* Hey, since “The Apprentice’s” neurotic suck-up Sam Solovey has time on his hands since yesterday’s ouster, I’ve got a new job for him--head coach of the Oakland Raiders. Think about it...he can brown-nose the Superego head of Al Davis, he can display his own “Commitment to Excellence”, and he can sleep on the job, as long as he arrives to the office at 3am, like Jon Gruden used to.

* Website tip of the day: Fametracker.com , the self-proclaimed “Farmer’s Almanac of Celebrity Worth. I recommend the Fame Audits (Jim Carrey, Current approximate level of fame: Robin Williams; Deserved approximate level of fame: Will Ferrell), the Hey! It’s That Guy! Tribute to actors who you see everywhere but can’t identify, and “2 Stars, 1 Slot—When Niche Actors Collide”.

Sunday, December 14, 2003


* Hearty congratulations to the U.S. Military in Iraq for literally digging up Saddam Hussein. No one should be more thankful than one George W. Bush, who may have just saved the legacy of his Presidency. Now he can wave the goodwill flag of "capturing the forces of terror" for another 11 months, while shunning longtime domestic issues like the economy, education and the environment.

* More kudos to Gwyneth and Chris for carrying out the most stealth celebrity quickie wedding in ages,
doing the deed in a Santa Barbara hotel. Someday, I'd like to see a celebrity couple plan a mock wedding,
but instead ambush the paparazzi with shocking candid photos.

* More huzzahs to the classy Atlanta Falcons head coach Dan Reeves, who, when given the option of playing out the string as a lame duck coach, said "fire me now". No point going down with the ship when there's already a mutiny on board.

* How about a standing ovation for all the new inductees to the Rock and Roll Hall Fame. I can't wait to see this year's All-Star Inductee Jam, as the unlikely combo of Jackson Browne, Prince and ZZ Top perform their
"Body Part Medley--Doctor My Eyes/Kiss/Legs". Should be a classic!

Okay, okay...enough admiration. Let's get on with the show!

* Hey Matt Gonzalez! Valiant attempt at the mayor's race. Just goes to show--you win some, you Newsom.

* Now even Ben is admitting he and J.Lo are too famous. How about putting that fame to a good cause--like "Celebrity Chicken Fights for Charity". Can't you see the overhyped title bout featuring Bennifer vs. Bradifer? On the bottom you'd have Ben "Affleckt some pain" against Brad "losing's the Pitts", but on top, just call it The Hair versus the Derriere. Anyone have David Hill's number over at Fox?

* Random 80's comparison du jour: Duran Duran and the 1984 USA Men's Gymnastics Team. In 1984 both groups were on top of the world, one released "The Reflex", and the other used their reflexes to snag Olympic Gold. Here's the breakdown:

--MASTER OF THE FLOOR EXERCISE: Pretty boy Duran Duran front man Simon Lebon/Mitch Gaylord, 4-time medalist-turned movie star (forgotten "American Anthem" already?)

--CAPTAIN OF THE LEAD GUITAR: Andy Taylor/Team USA Captain Peter Vidmar.

--STRIKING GOLD ON THE PARALLEL STRINGS: Bass guitar and musical brains John Taylor/Bart Conner, fellow blonde-coiffed seasoned veteran of Team USA.

--HITTING THE RING-SHAPED DRUMS: Raven-coiffed cutie Roger Taylor/Tim Daggett, individual 1984 medalist on the Rings.

--AND NAILING THE POMMEL PINES: Keyboardist Nick Rhodes/Jim Hartung, 3-time US Pommel Horse champ.

I know there were two other guys on Team USA, so we'll just count them under "Seven & the Ragged Tiger".

* Finally, here's a classic radio interview moment , circa 1992, courtesy of KFRC's Dean Goss (whom I produced back then as Steve the Weenie):

Dean: So, Little Richard, where are you performing tonight?
Little Richard: I don't know!
Dean: What time does the show start?
Little Richard: I don't know!
Dean: What songs will you be singing?
Little Richard: I don't know!
Dean: Okay, Little Richard, how much will you be paid for tonight's show?
Little Richard: Now THAT, I know!!!

Friday, December 05, 2003


* So Gwyneth has finally gotten herself pregnant! Seeing that Chris Martin is the father, can we assume her biological CLOCKS were ticking? If Ms. Paltrow tricked Chris to knock her up so she could score an engagement ring, that's a COLD PLAY, Gwyneth. Or perhaps it was a RUSH OF BLOOD TO THE HEAD of the English rocker.

* Staying in the music (EMINEMT) domain, did you see those Grammy nominations? Eminem, Outkast, Justin Timberlake, Missy Elliott, and 50 Cent? With all due respect to these musicians, is there anyone over 30 who came out with a decent album in the past year? What happened to perennial faves U2, Dave Mathews, Peter Gabriel, Paul Simon, Bonnie Raitt, anyone? At least, in the never-too-early-to-honor-someone-posthumously deparment, Grammy pegged the recently departed Warren Zevon with five nods. You can wake me up when Fountains of Wayne's category is on (Best Song by a Duo or Group for the ingenious "Stacy's Mom").

* Speaking of awards ceremonies (who's your segue daddy?), did anyone catch VH1's "Big in 2003" awards they've been airing for the last 192 hours? Here's a sample category: The nominees for the biggest contribution to human kind are...Galileo, Albert Einstein, Gandhi, Thomas Edison and Ashton Kutcher. And the winner is...Ashton Kutcher, because he showed up tonight. Congratulations! Dude, where's my remote?

* What most people don't understand is that when Bill Callahan lambasted his Raiders by calling them the "dumbest players on the football field", he didn't mean "dumb" in the literal sense. At Raider headquarters in Alameda, D.U.M.B. stands for Deliberately Underachieving Makeshift Ballteam. No need to apologize for that, Coach!

* Just for kicks, classic commercial edition: Mason Reese. Need visual clarification? Go to www.venice-florida.com/ArtAndCulture/corwinart9.htm

* As the Yankees count the minutes (and their blessings) before signing Gary Sheffield, it just goes to show you: Blood ( Doc Gooden) is always thicker than water (McCovey Cove...or are those Barry Bonds' tears?).

* Could the NBA be turning into the NFL, parity-wise? The no-longer-sad-sack Denver Nuggets (thanks, Carmelo!) lead the Midwest division, while the San Antonio Spurs go jingle jangle in the cellar, and mild-mannered Tim Duncan is pushing referees to the floor . Meanwhile, our beloved Warriors are hovering at .500, and that's cause for celebration around these parts. Sad, but true...

* With the 49ers' recent offensive output (if you can call it that), is it safe to say they have set the BAR LOW for Kevan Barlow's first start at running back?

* Is anyone else sick of the mud- and hairgel-slinging in San Francisco's mayoral election? The mysterious email threatening to sabotage a Gavin Newsom rally was the worst. Both Newsom and Gonzalez' camps claimed the other was behind the stunt. Gentlemen, have you heard of spam filters?

* And finally, I'm kind of glad Christa got booted on "Survivor". Her Jenna Elfman like voice and Amazon Heidi pigtails were really starting to chafe my loins!


In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I thought I would devote this column to the things Americans have to be thankful for on this day. And who better to comment on this topic than our favorite headline grabbers? Take it away, folks!

* Paris Hilton should be thankful for...the huge amount of publicity her SEX TAPE is receiving...right as her new reality show, "The Simple Life", debuts. One suggestion: Put the Rick Solomon tape on cable, and have someone release "The Simple Life" underground.

* Keyshawn Johnson should be thankful that...he won't have to break bread with Coach "Chucky" Gruden this Turkey Day. On top of that, Coach Gruden kick-started his burgeoning broadcasting career. Keyshawn wants the damn microphone!

* San Francisco Mayoral Candidates Gavin Newsom and Matt Gonzalez should be thankful that...they can replace their boxing gloves with potholders, toss aside the race and gender cards, and enjoy a meal with their loved ones. Of course, Newsom will have PlumpJack steak, and Gonzalez will be enjoying his very GREEN salad.

* Just for kicks: The late great Clara Peller might have been thankful for turkey today, but all the while she'd be wondering "Where's the Beef"?

* Jerry Rice should be thankful that...he can let his unparalleled skills gracefully decline while the Raiders gut out the rest of their putrid season under the radar.

* Mike Myers should be thankful that...at least he's unrecognizable underneath the "Cat in the Hat" costume. And, by the way, the film will still gross $200 million. Okay, he's Canadian...but he's been here long enough.

* Enigmatic Chicago Cubs rooter Steve Bartman should be thankful that: The tryptophan should be hitting this TRIPPED UP..FAN just about 5pm Central Time

* Rock & Roll's own "Rodney Dangerfield", Rod Stewart, should be thankful that...he may be losing ground in the hip-o-meter, but he's still WAY ahead of Kenny G, Michael Bolton and John Tesh.

* Legal eagle Gloria Allred should be thankful that: Client Amber Frey keeps coming up with bits of irrelevant news--now she's four months pregnant with another man--to conjure up that months-old footage of the two on camera for a press conference. Woah-oh, Amber is the color of my energy...

* Michael Jackson should be thankful for: Well, uh...at least the police haven't confiscated his Beatles catalog!

* We should all be thankful that: "The Bachelor" and "Joe Millionaire" are over, we've got a night off from "Survivor", and "American Idol" (after burping out that holiday special) is still two months away. Now we can all face the REALITY of spending Thanksgiving Day with our friends and loved ones. Eat hearty!!!

* I suppose Michael Jackson did the right thing (this time) by surrendering immediately to authorities, but...it's been almost 10 years since LA has witnessed a slow speed SUV chase. Wouldn't America have loved gawking at the "King of Pop" trudging along the freeway with Emmanuel Lewis, Macauley Culkin, Bubbles the chimp or some other A.C. stand-in in the passenger seat?

* Just wondering...what happens when there's a court date for Michael Jackson and Scott Peterson on the same day? What does Mark "billable hours" Geragos do?

* If Governor Schwarzenegger's approval rating goes sky high, will he start quoting "Citizen Kane", "The Godfather" and "Gone With The Wind"? "Hasta la vista, baby" is getting a bit antiguo!

* Reality idea of the week: Combine Bravo's biggest hit with "Trading Spaces" and "Extreme Makeover". What do you get? A different title every week: "Queer Eye for the Straight Nose", "Queer Lips for the Straight Teeth", you get the picture.

* Just for kicks, 1970's edition: Rodney Allen Rippey.

* Hey, Britney! Forget "Me Against the Music"? How about "Me against the b**ch"? Put champion Britney "Oops! I hit her again" Spears and Challenger Christina "the dirrty divva" Aguilera in the ring and have them duke it out. Madonna can be referee and kiss 'em both for good luck. This sounds perfect for Fox next sweeps week!

* Doesn't BALCO sound like Bronson Pinchot's cousin from the old country? I'm sure Marion Jones, Barry Bonds, Romo and friends would like to consider themselves "Perfect Strangers" with the den of steroid iniquity.

* And: If Major League Baseball ever gets it's 1950's head out of its 1980's arse and starts punishing ballplayers who bulk up, do puffed up tattletales Jose Canseco and Ken Caminiti get their punishments doled out retroactively? How about no Hall of Fame eligibility and no card shows for two years? Then again, Pete Rose shouldn't be made any less sym-pathetic.

* Finally...Just once, I'd love to see a contestant on "The Bachelor" decline a rose and start making out with one of her competitors. Okay, okay, so I'm a guy...


* If Barry Bonds is discovered to have been taking steroids, is it fair to say he gives 123% on the field?

* What's the difference between The Rolling Stones, the band and Arnold Schwarzennegger, the actor/Governor-elect? "U"--The difference between groupies and gropies!

* Favorite "Battle of the Network Stars" moment: Kristi MacNichol losing her shoe on the final leg of the 4 x 100 yard relay race. What a gamer!

* Reality idea of the week: "Survivor" for villains and enigmas. Stick Tonya Harding, Steve Bartman, Stephen Glass, Martha Stewart, Ken Lay, Rush Limbaugh, Lizzie Grubman, "Hit King" Pete Rose and just for kicks, the vapid Jessica Simpson on a remote, deserted island and let the public vote who gets to leave. There's no $1 million prize; whoever's left behind just has to spend their days there.

* Is anybody else thinking what I'm thinking? Paris Hilton--why? What talent does she bring to the table, other than her previously recorded abilities in the sack? At least Jessica and Nick sold a few albums before they sickened us with their omnipresence on TV.

* MTV idea of the week: Have unwitting patsies spend a night drinking and raging on the town with a certain rebel pop anti-princess, then turn the cameras on them. They can call it "Pink'd"! Don't let her get hers!

* Finally...How long do we have to wait for the Oscar Contenders? It's mid-November, and all Hollywood can bring us is "Master & Commander (& pass the dramamine)", "Looney Tunes (aka Roger Rabbit with old cartoon heroes and less plot)", and rest his soul "Tupac: Resurrected"? I hear "Mystic River" is excellent, but c'mon studios. Let's ramp it up! I could've seen a contendah!

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