Thursday, January 22, 2004

* The secret to Sen. John Kerry’s success in Iowa and New Hampshire: The woman factor. Subliminally, what woman wouldn’t want to vote for a name like Kerry over Dean, Edward(s) and Clark?

* Bad advice: Let’s see if Mark Geragos convinces his other client, Scott Peterson, to step from his Police SUV at the Redwood City courthouse, wave to his adoring fans, and show up 20 minutes late for court.

* Since “Hit King” Pete Rose has stolen a lot of thunder from baseball recently, I thought I would discuss Rose in Pete’s own language:

Odds Pete will make the Hall of Fame by 2007: 18-1
Odds Pete will crash this year’s HOF induction ceremony, upstaging Eck and Molitor again: 75-1
Over/under on the number of national interviews Pete will make by Opening Day: 146
Odds Pete will be spotted with a bookie in that time: 1-2

* R.I.P, Angel edition: Lyman Bostock

* Since they happen at about the same time, let’s combine two of Hollywood’s favorite January love-fests and create the Golden Sun Globe Dance. The stars get honored—and sloshed—in the Park City chill, and make acceptance speeches promoting their hot new indie film. Robert Redford can win a lifetime achievement award every year, and everyone’s happy!

* Gotta admit, I’m hooked on Boss Trump’s “The Apprentice”, but these flaunt your sex appeal to win contests—sell lemonade on the street, turn an airplane into a phallic symbol, and shake-a-tail-feather to get $10 off a bar of gold bullion—are getting a bit old. Next week, I envision each team running a prostitution ring to see who can score the most Johns by 5pm.

* R.I.P, Fantasy edition: Herve Villechaize

* Hey, since “The Apprentice’s” neurotic suck-up Sam Solovey has time on his hands since yesterday’s ouster, I’ve got a new job for him--head coach of the Oakland Raiders. Think about it...he can brown-nose the Superego head of Al Davis, he can display his own “Commitment to Excellence”, and he can sleep on the job, as long as he arrives to the office at 3am, like Jon Gruden used to.

* Website tip of the day: Fametracker.com , the self-proclaimed “Farmer’s Almanac of Celebrity Worth. I recommend the Fame Audits (Jim Carrey, Current approximate level of fame: Robin Williams; Deserved approximate level of fame: Will Ferrell), the Hey! It’s That Guy! Tribute to actors who you see everywhere but can’t identify, and “2 Stars, 1 Slot—When Niche Actors Collide”.

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