Saturday, February 12, 2005

February 12, 2005

Hey everyone! I'm back and colder than ever!

Yes, I'm now a San Francisco ex-patriot in the land of the Patriots (and Red Sox, for that matter), suburban Boston, Mass. Without further ado, here's what's on my mind (aside from wondering when this dirty snow will disappear from the side of the road)...

* I wonder how much pressure Doc Rivers, Danny Ainge and company must be feeling. I mean, the Red Sox win their first title in 86 years, the Patriots win their third Super Bowl in four years, so what do the Celtics do to top that? At least the Bruins had the presence of mind to participate in the NHL lockout, so they could duck the bullet-sweating. Check this space in June...

* Did you know that if you rearrange the letters of Jose Canseco, you get "Tattle-taling, money grubbing, desperation-punch-throwing, rat fink"? Actually, the best I could come up with was "Ace's Cojones". Meanwhile, the sad thing is that BALCO has given the former A's-Rangers-Devil Rays slugger just a smidge of legitimacy. Truth is, while everyone is vehemently denying Jose's allegations, the truth lies somewhere in between.

* Hey, can you smear me some of "the Cream"? I want my writing to hit harder!

* Here's the big question as Oscar time approaches: Can Martin Scorcese pull off the rare tri-fecta: Losing Best Director honors to three actor-turned-directors? In 1980, his amazing work on "Raging Bull" lost out to Robert Redford and "Ordinary People", and a decade later his classic "Goodfellas" was bested by Kevin Costner's "Dances with Wolves". This year, Marty may lose out to Clint Eastwood for "Million Dollar Baby". If so, at least his gracious losing moves up to the high-rent district for directors.

* With the world's loss of brilliant playwright Arthur Miller, we have lost our final love-link to Marilyn Monroe. Goodbye Norma Jean...I should've liked to have known you, but I was just a future embryo...

* In honor of my wife's addiction to Home and Garden Television (us hipsters call it HGTV), I have invented a very simple drinking game. Every time a potential homebuyer on "House Hunters" looks at a room in a potential domicile and says the word "nice"--down the hatch! And if anyone at HGTV is reading this, one suggestion: Just for once, can the homebuyers place an offer and NOT get the house? That's the kind of entertainment I wanna see!

* Here's a preview of "Surreal Life 2017", featuring the forgotten b-stars of the future. Let's welcome Jessica Simpson (the dumb fake blond thing loses it's luster beyond age 30), Tara Reid (the fake boobs are following her career southward), Justin Guarini ("why couldn't I have been a dork like that Aiken guy?"), Tom Green (testicular comedy buffoon), Rosie O'Donnell (pudgy gay narcissism goes out of style by 2010), Courtney Love (for the mandatory shriveled skank factor--and for a ratings bonus, she might be a corpse by then) and would-be heir to the pop throne, Prince Jackson. Crazy antics will ensue!

* Just for the heck of it, Dutch-named athlete edition: Jan & Butch Van Breda Kolff, Steve Mikke-Mayer

* Just for the heck of it, real Dutch athlete edition: Rikkert Faneyte

* Just for the taste of it...DIET COKE!

* And finally, my new board game idea: Celebrity boggle. Yes, stick Bennifer, Jen&Brad, Paris, Britney and Julia, Danny and the twins in a lifesize, hermetically sealed Boggle popper, press down and let the games begin. Fun for the whole family!!!

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